HDWGH – Story 52 – Green Pee

-*From The How Did We Get Here Series*-

**Now**: The screaming from inside the small bathroom was music to Agatha’s young ears. She leaned against the outside wall of the bathroom laughing and trying desperately to avoid peeing herself. Inside the small bathroom, her older brother Peter was crying. The once pristine toilet bowl now a lovely shade of green once Peter begun conducting his business was evidence that a heinous crime had taken place here. The real question that Peter was asking himself was “what did that bitch do to me?”

**Before**: Despite her kicking and screaming, Agatha quickly realized that she wasn’t going to get her bedroom closet open from the inside. Her lovely brother Peter had seen to that. The torment began when she was only 5 or so but had continued into her early teens. Peter had locked her in her own closet and this was going to be the last straw. She had taken his abuse for far too long and she was finished being a victim. Her parents were of no use in the matter. She needed to take things into her own hands.

She couldn’t quite point a finger on where she had heard of the idea. Her brother loved gummy candy. He ate loads of it before going to bed each night. He kept a container of them near his bed at all times. These were facts about her brother that she could use against him.

Agatha spent the better part of an afternoon purchasing the brand and style of gummy candy that her brother loved. This particular brand contained a juicy center. Perfect for Agatha’s idea.

A painstaking period of time in the kitchen with everyone away doing various things that parents and asshole brothers do was all that Agatha needed. She very carefully replaced the juicy gummy insides with something just as yummy and oh so colorful. Peter would never know. He would just sit there on his bed eating the gummies and reading the porn magazines he hid under his mattress that he didn’t think anyone knew about.

Peter woke up the next morning and wandered into the bathroom to relieve himself. Why was his pee green? He instantly let out a guttural growl and yelled…


HDWGH – Story 51 – Has Anyone Seen Grandpa?

-*From The How Did We Get Here Series*-

**Now**: A plethora of blue and red spinning lights, an incredibly loud siren, and the metal sounds of exit doors slamming shut were all that could be observed at the Franklin Davis Memorial Post Office #736 in Sutter’s Creek, North Carolina. Janet Wyatt was standing next to Gunther Johnson in the employee parking lot passing a flask back and forth as the postal employees were wildly speculating about the nature of the evacuation. Word soon got around that Cletus Culpepper discovered some powder on an envelope that passed through his sorter. Cletus acknowledged that “he was no expert” but he thought someone was fixin to kill someone named Grandpa Thomas with Anthrax or baby powder, he couldn’t be sure.

**Before**: Gillian Baker Thomas placed her moist finger tips on the adhesive on the envelope and proceeded to seal it shut. This was stupid. Her uncle Roy’s idea to pass around Grandpa Thomas’ cremated remains through the mail to his family members seemed like a bad idea. Her living room looked like a meth lab. Her family looking like meth lab workers as they took great care to place a small portion of Grandpa Thomas’ remains into several small envelopes.
Gillian’s son Paul has warned against sending the remains through the mail. He thought there could have been a law against it but he was no lawyer so what did he know?
Several family members were unable to attend the funeral. Sure, the family could have sent copies of the funeral program but it just wouldn’t be the same. Ashes of the person you love. Now, that was something that had meaning.
Paul shrugged his shoulders as he prepared the last envelope. The tape he was using had just run out. He could replace the roll but this had gone on for too long. His weekly D & D game would be starting in a half and hour and he had to get moving.

That last envelope was probably strong enough to make it through the U.S. mail. He was fairly certain of it.

HDWGH – Story 50 – Bad Blood

-*From The How Did We Get Here Series*-

**Now**: It was definitely not just another ordinary day at The Curtis Dixon Elementary School. Deep within the hallowed school halls the second grade students collectively pointed at their teacher Priscilla Parsons and started screaming. Some children jumped around in place while others continued pointing with their mouths open as a steady stream of blood made its way down Ms. Parson’s lily white leg. Amy Addison peed her pants and started crying while Asoka Tanaka held up an empty Coke Zero can and pressed on it with his thumb in the hopes that it would turn him into Ultraman so he could save the day from whatever needed saving. Eddie Clooney panicked and pulled the fire alarm which in turn, scared him enough that he peed his pants as well.

**Before**: Priscilla Parsons was in a bit of a quandary this fine summer morning. She had to pick an outfit for her date with Terrance Luskin but she would have to wear it to school. The date was in dangerous proximity to when she finished her teaching duties for the day and so whatever she decided to wear to work would have to be the outfit she wore on her date with Terrance…or did he prefer to be called Terry? It was something she was hoping to find out this evening.
Daring wasn’t a word that typically graced her verbal catalogue. She was a proper southern lady after all. Today, she was feeling a little naughty. Her dress was long enough that she personally felt that she could get away without wearing the usual undergarments. Seriously, they would just get in the way later if the date went in the direction she was hoping for. Her monthly visitor wasn’t due for another week.

This was going to be the best day ever.

HDWGH – Story 49 – Unexpected Lunch

-*From The How Did We Get Here Series*-

**Now**: Thelma Hopkins screamed at the top of her lungs as she let go of the leash. All she could see of her beloved poodle Cuddles was his tail as it was sticking out of the alligator’s mouth.

**Before**: “What a beautiful morning!” Thelma Hopkins declared to her poodle and companion of 5 years. She cinched the leash to his collar and opened the front door of her townhouse. This morning she planned on taking her dog through one of the back alleys she had yet to explore. This small town had a few of them. Thelma had just moved here from New York City and the country life in a small Amish rich community felt more to her liking. The sound of horses walking on the Main Street made her feel giddy inside. This place was heaven.

Although there were plenty of signs telling her to do otherwise, Thelma approached the closed off alley and opened the gate. She really didn’t understand why this little side street would have a gate but it was no matter.

As Cuddles led the way down the small alley, a very deep groan could be heard and before Thelma has any time to react, an extremely large alligator jumped from the shadows and swallowed Cuddles almost whole. One of the signs that Thelma ignored hung at a weird angle in the entrance of the alley. Beware of Pet Alligator. Enter at your Own Risk.

HDWGH – Story 48 – A New Beginning

-*From The How Did We Get Here Series*-

**Now**: Gerald Harvey couldn’t speak. So many things were going through his mind at this very moment. He was dying. He never thought that his day would go this way. Gerald dropped to his knees as the life force drained from his body. Blood was pouring through his fingers as he desperately tried to staunch the bleeding. It was no use. His wife Leslie just stood in front of him while she watched him die. Her face was expressionless. In his final thoughts, Gerald knew he took things too far. He could have sworn that she had a smile on her face as the blackness took him.

**Before**: The morning started like most other mornings for Gerald and Leslie Harvey. Gerald would wake up and head downstairs to start breakfast and make the morning coffee and Leslie would head into the bathroom to cover up the last night’s transgressions. Gerald left his mark on her almost every night. The marks were getting harder to cover up. Her co-workers at the gym would soon begin to figure out that these marks, these scars weren’t created from some stupid training accident. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what was going on, even to the casual observer. Her co-workers weren’t morons.

Leslie never knew what outfit to wear. Gerald wasn’t very consistent with what he liked and what he didn’t. She came downstairs. He screamed about being able to see her hard nipple and the fighting began. She couldn’t even have breakfast before all of his bullshit started.

His breath on her face as he screamed was turning her stomach upside down. Whether subconsciously or just plain blind luck, Leslie’s left hand was resting on a knife that had been sitting on the kitchen island where Gerald usually prepared their meals. She didn’t ponder on it. She didn’t make a detailed plan inside of her head. She just acted.

In the middle of a tirade that accused Leslie of showing her body to the entire world, Leslie plunged the knife into the side of Gerald’s neck. She could tell by the eruption of blood that she had hit the right place. She quickly pulled the knife out in case it helped the bastard in any way. She knew that sometimes you should leave a knife in until you can get the victim to a hospital. She had no intention of doing that.

She slowly backed away from Gerald as his neck shot blood all over the kitchen. It would take her a while to clean but it would be worth it. He was in shock and was remarkably quiet. Now all she had to do was figure out how to make it seem as though he left her. They would never find a body. She’d make sure of that.

The Undying Burger

Hjortur Smarason bought this McDonald’s meal in 2009 to see how long it would take to decompose

When McDonald’s closed all its restaurants in Iceland in 2009, one man decided to buy his last hamburger and fries.
“I had heard that McDonald’s never decompose so I just wanted to see if it was true or not,” Hjortur Smarason told AFP. 
This week, it’s 10 years since the seemingly indestructible meal was purchased, and it barely looks a day older.
Curious observers can watch a live stream of the burger and fries from its current location in a glass cabinet in Snotra House, a hostel in southern Iceland.

via the BBC

6 Year Old Blues

by Mike Williams

(sung to the tune of “You Don’t Mess Around with Jim” by Jim Croce)

There’s a lot of good food around here
and I need to get me some

Its kind of wiggy and warm
play around with it for fun
while most people just think I’m dumb

I got a really big pocket full of pop rocks
and really big soda cause… dynamite

And at the end of the day there ain’t no darn way
that I’m ever gonna take to nap

and I’ll prob-ly get my butt slapped

You don’t eat that unbaked cake
You don’t lick the rest from the rim
You don’t leave the wrapper on a Jolly Rancher
and you don’t stay awake till 10

Well, I was playing with my legos just the other day
Playin’ around on the 2nd floor

My mother gave me a call she couldn’t see me at all
so I kept working on the next big thing
now my little butt stings…well…

You don’t pee with the toilet seat down
You don’t pee all over the rim
Don’t be a stranger to the toilet paper
and put your dirty clothes in the right bin

My friend Stevie was over just the other day
and my dad’s office we did explore
He had a bunch of old books and some liberty we took
with some papers in his bottom drawer

Seems we missed his footsteps tappin.. tappin on the hallway floor
The next thing we knew, Stevie’s visit was through
and now we can’t go in there anymore…and…

…my little butt is sore

You don’t go where you shouldn’t have been
If it’s fun, it’s probably a sin
I like to blame some things on my older sister
and my shirts don’t match my pants

…you can’t play

You don’t eat that unbaked cake
You don’t lick the rest from the rim
You don’t leave the wrapper on a Jolly Rancher
and you don’t stay awake till 10

I don’t understand. Just playing in the mud with my friends.
I can’t have any fun…and…

You don’t pee with the toilet seat down
You don’t pee all over the rim
Don’t be a stranger to the toilet paper
and put your dirty clothes in the right bin

cause I got the 6 year blues…

Lego Mold – Design

Christie and I will be making gummy candies and our first try is going to be with a Lego design. The idea is to create a custom mold out of Christie’s Legos and then use the mold to create the candy.

We borrowed the idea from The King of Random. Click the name to check out his YouTube channel. As we progress through this project, we’ll add to this post.

Lego Mold Design – 10.13.2019
Lego Mold – Curing Phase – October 15, 2019
Lego Mold – Final Product – October 16, 2019

Goodbye, Mr. Hart & Mr. Cargas

on our Command and Control Display…
Artwork by Christie…I think.

Today, two co-workers are retiring. I’ve been working here for over 10 years and every time I needed his help, Mike was there. He also went out of his way to make sure I got home during last year’s peak season.

Jim Cargas has been here longer than I have and has been a staple of the shipping department.

We wish them the best of luck in all of their future endeavors. 🙂

Yes, Please.

THIS STUNNING tree house retreat could be ideal for a quirky getaway but comes at a cost of £212 a night. Incredible images show the sleek interior of the two-storey wooden tree house as a silver spiral staircase connects the two floors while tree trunks run through the middle of the property. Other striking shots show the exterior of the retreat as it perches among the treetops but is easily accessible by a series of staircases leading up from the forest floor. The Montana Treehouse Retreat is located at the gateway to the Glacier National Park, USA and sits nestled on a private seven-acre woodland plot. Great Northern Drones / mediadrumworld.com

This Happened

French inventor Franky Zapata lands near St. Margaret’s beach, Dover after crossing the Channel on a flying board Sunday, Aug. 4, 2019. (Steve Parsons/PA via AP)

It took a second try, but Franky Zapata has become the first to cross the English Channel using a hoverboard. The French inventor used his jet-powered Flyboard Air to travel the 22 miles from France to England in 22 minutes, briefly landing on a boat to replace his kerosene-filled backpack. The board wasn’t slow, either — Zapata said he reached speeds up to 106MPH during his journey.


This Happened…

Scene: Father, Mother, Daughter at a local restaurant where parents are being introduced to someone daughter knows…

Daughter: I’d like to introduce you to my parents.

Father: Well, we’re really not her parents. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. We found her in a dumpster.

Mother: Father!

Daughter: <insert bad words>Shaking head.

Mother: Language!

Father: Hey. It was a nice dumpster!


Scene: kitchen, female cooking roast beef. Male enters

Male: [somewhat annoyed]”So why are you making roast beef for work?”

Female: [confused by the question]”Because they feed me lunch nearly every day and it’s my turn.”

Male:[sarcastic]”What home cooked meals?”

Female:[eyebrows raised]”Yes”

Male:[surprised and mollified] “Oh, okay”

[Male exits kitchen.]

Scene ends

Tongs Diagnosis

The tongs will live. Unfortunately, they will never walk again.

In case anyone missed it, Jena broke the tongs…in three places. I have performed surgery in the form of Gorilla Hot Glue but even with all of the reinforcement, they cannot be used.

Jena has a reputation of not being friends with technology but, as we have recently learned, she is also not friends with physical objects.

In Star Wars geek terms, Jena would be the one you’d take with you on a secret mission to blow up a Star Destroyer. You take her with you, drop her off, and tell her to start touching things.


Pick Things Up Song

Well, over the weekend a song popped into my head and this is how it came out.

The “I Pick Things Up” Song

by Mike Williams

Verse 1

I pick things up, I put them down.

Not a lot of thought, to tie me down.

Spent my whole life moving things around.

I pick things up, and I put them down.

Those banker types well they’re just clowns.

They count those beans in another town.

While the thought of that job, it makes me frown.

Cause, I pick things up and I put them down.

Chorus: (I imagine ladies singing this)

He picks things up and he puts them down.

He’s the best picker upper there is around.

If you try to take his job, he’ll break your crown.

Cause he picks things up and he puts them down.

Verse 2

Yes, I pick things up and I put them down.

I’ve got the most fantastic job in town.

If you look for something better, it won’t be found.

I pick things up and I put them down.

Down the road the Doctor she makes her rounds.

I’d rather walk around in a wedding gown.

Cause, I like to pick things up and put them down.

Chorus: (I imagine ladies singing this)

He picks things up and he puts them down.

He’s the best picker upper there is around.

If you try to take his job, he’ll break your crown.

Cause he picks things up and he puts them down.